Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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