the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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