haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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