I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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