She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i used baking grease as lip gloss
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
