it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
