Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
