You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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