Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
