I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
