So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
