Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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