when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
