you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Randomize