If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
My life is pants optional.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize