Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
