**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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