In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
