Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
