Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
