I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
