spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
