her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
