my phone needs a breathalizer
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I touched a dick in church today
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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