Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
