You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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