He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
false alarm, still single
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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