she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
