Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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