This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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