tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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