rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
