I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize