the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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