he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
