yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
