Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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