Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
