remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
