I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
