New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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