I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
