So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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