the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So vagazzling was a success
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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