The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize