I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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