I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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