tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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