Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize