I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
