That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize