I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
