So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
