I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
