oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
